Hair Cut of Doom
by actafoo
Summary: Orochimaru makes a life-changing decision: to get his hair cut. Rated for a bit of language


Hey, everybody! Yes, it was expected that we would do some sort of SasuSaku thing next, but here it is: an Orochimaru tale. I kind of wrote this for no apparent reason…

Whatever. Onto the story!!

Hair Cut of Doom

Orochimaru liked long hair.

Rather, Orochimaru liked _his_ long hair. It wasn't an issue of any other person's hair except his. What they chose to do with their hair was up to them. When it came to his hair, though, Orochimaru was touchy.

It might have started when Kabuto had suggested that he cut his hair because it got in the way of his fighting. Or it maybe when Sasuke had laughed when he saw the sheer length of the black locks. Of course it didn't matter _when_ it happened, just that it _had. _At the beginning Orochimaru had ignored it (Who had given the right of that chicken-assed-hair-boy the right to judge hairstyles anyway?). Then he began to really ponder the matter like his life depended on it.

And maybe it did. Not his life (unless you counted his social one), per say, but _definitely _his reputation.

After his long is-my-reputation-more-important-than-my-dignity thinking Orochimaru had finally come to the conclusion of a lifetime:

He would get his hair cut.

The woman from _Trim Your Tresses_ seemed pretty animated on the phone when he had set up his appointment.

MONDAY- Orochimaru was getting anxious from waiting. Wednesday seemed to get farther away rather than closer each passing minute.

TUESDAY- Orochimaru spent the day in his room. He had purposefully left a hole in his already-quite-empty social calendar knowing that he wouldn't be able to concentrate. Even at night he could hardly even sleep knowing what the next day would bring.

WEDNESDAY- _Trim your Tresses_, 12:00 AM

The front door of the little shop would have been a nice first impression had it not left a large impression on Orochimaru's forehead upon contact.

"OMIGOSH!" The woman who had slammed the door open (and who had caused the aforementioned injury) called. "I didn't see you there! Are you okay, ma'am?"

"Yes." He replied. The expression on the woman's face was visibly shocked when she realized which gender she was really dealing with.

"I know that this isn't a great way to start off, but I'm Mary Sue, and I will be your barber today!" the beautician now identified as 'Mary Sue' stuck out her hand in greeting. "You're Komomorawrchu, right?"

"My name is Orochimaru and I am a ninja."

Mary Sue quickly retracted her hand as if she was burned. "I see. Of course you are."

Orochimaru hated how the sound of her voice sounded like a mothers', reassuring her child that he really was going to get an acceptance letter from Hogwarts.

"If you would like to come in, I'll have a seat all prepared for you."

When the pair entered the shop there were only a few others there. One was an elderly woman who had quite probably come to dye the roots of her hair. The other was a ten year old girl who had out of control curls that quite possibly defied all laws of nature. It looked like she was reading a heart-wrenching (In more ways than one) tale about a dog and its owner.

Orochimaru sat between them and picked up a magazine to read. The first article was about hairstyles guaranteed to pick up men. He was almost too engrossed in the story to hear his name called. Or maybe he just wasn't used to responding to the name his barber had taken to calling him.

"Komomorawrchu, your chair is ready!" Orochimaru did not even bother to correct Mary Sue. The less she knew the better.

"You have such pretty colored hair. My son has almost the exact same color." Mary Sue laughed and Orochimaru wondered if it was supposed to be funny. Was it a joke…? "He got that from his father. You don't see my natural color look anything like yours."

Mary Sue had seven freaking colors in her hair. How was he supposed to figure out which on was natural?

"SO… what kind of style are you going for?" The woman was holding up a pair of scissors and shining her brighter-than-the-milky-way teeth at him. It looked like something out of a horror scene to Orochimaru.

"Just a trim. No more than that." This cut was safe, he reasoned. Even if anyone noticed, it wasn't a big difference.

"I see…" Mary Sue looked more than a little disappointed. "I was thinking a bob or maybe a perm…"

"Why would you want _that?_" Orochimaru didn't like this girl. There was something about the way she spoke…

"You have such long hair, so I was hoping that you would cut off enough to donate to Locks of Love!"

Locks of _love?_ Orochimaru already didn't like the sound of it. "What is 'Locks of Love'?"

"Locks of Love is a friendly organization that makes the hair that you give them into wigs for little children." Mary Sue explained. "You have to donate a minimum of eight inches, though. If you don't donate enough they can't make a wig out of it."

Orochimaru did _not_ like this organization or organizations in general. (CoughAkatsukiCough) "What would make you think that I would want to donate my luscious pelt to random hooligans?"

Mary Sue looked more than a little upset. "These children are not random hooligans! They are children in need! The hair that you could donate goes to little boys and girls around the world!"

"My hair would go to little boys?" The look on Mary Sue's face was notably traumatized. "How much shorter would it be after I lost eight inches?"

"To your waist, I think…" Why this 'Mary Sue' girl was looking at him in a whole new light confused Orochimaru. Had he said something wrong? Well, he certainly wasn't apologizing to her for any reason. Not after she had slammed the door in his face.

That wasn't the only problem, though. The largest overall problem was what Orochimaru wanted his hair to look like. He wasn't sure that he wanted to donate to the shady organization, but if he cut more off he could delay cutting it for a longer time.

Plus, hadn't the article he read promised that short hair was a definite must in this season's latest trends? If you had the right placed cheekbones, the men flocked to you like birds. (Orochimaru was still in the middle of deciding if this was what he wanted.)

As much as he hated to do it, Orochimaru decided to consult Mary Sue about what style to get. AS annoying as she was, she _was_ a professional. She was bound to have some sort of advice.

"Komomorawrchu, honey, I'm really sorry but the last customer here, Haku, took all of my mirrors. You can't see your hair until you get back home." Mary Sue sympathized.

"Come to think of it, though, he also looked like a girl… and didn't he say he was also a ninja? Do you two know each other?"

Orochimaru did not like the sound of this suspicious wannabe-girl/ninja. "I can assure you that I do not know even a small percent of all the men who look feminine. It's not like I go to I-look-like-a-girl conventions."

In his opinion, Orochimaru didn't think he even really looked like a girl. It was probably the hair…

Mary Sue finally gave a long sigh. "Look, I would love to stand here and chat with you all day, but I have a li- uh, other appointments. What do you want me to do with your hair?"

Orochimaru contemplated this for a second. "I don't care. I don't want anything outrageous, though. Cut absolutely no more than nine inches off of my hair. If I see any more than that on the ground, I will personally strangle you with my tongue."

The terror on Mary Sue's face was reassuring to Orochimaru.

"Then can I braid your hair when the cut is over?" This question was _not_ reassuring.

"You will not do anything that is degrading to my gender." Orochimaru decided that threats were the best way to go. "And if I see any flowers half a foot from my chair, I'll rape your son."

Maybe that was overkill. The woman looked like she was about to have a kitten. "I'm just kidding." He tried to calm her down.

"That wasn't very funny." Tch, like her last joke was funny either.

"Please just cut my hair." Understandably, Orochimaru was concerned with what this furious barber was going to do with his breathtakingly magnificent hair. An angry barber was known to go to drastic measures.

Exhibit A: Sweeney Todd.

The cutting was fast and furious. Orochimaru couldn't help but feel relieved when it was over. His first haircut with a barber had ended pretty badly. At least his hair was shorter. It was also a good thing that he still had his head.

As Orochimaru walked back from his appointment-gone-wrong, he wondered if he had overdid it at the end when he had slammed the door right back in Mary Sue's head. He was also very upset at this 'Haku' character for taking the mirrors. He wanted to see his hair.

The moment Orochimaru stepped through the door a deep laugh was quickly muffled.

"I'm sorry, Kabuto," Orochimaru hissed. "Is there something wrong?"

Kabuto shook his head and waved his hand, still snickering. "No. I've just never seen a beehive on a man before."

Damned Mary Sue…

--

Somehow that last line just _fits_…

Leave a review, lurkers!!


End file.
